What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

“Where’s my tractor?”

–

Why did they bury the Indian on the hill?

Because he was dead.

–

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says, “Does it feel hot in here to you?” The other one says, “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

–

(…and a few German jokes)

A man walks into a bar. He’s an alcoholic that neglects his family.

–

Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?

Because she was depressed.

—

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasa…bi?

(all in the delivery)
___

Why do ducks have flat feet?

Series jokes:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
—–

Q: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

(part 2) – The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.

More of a silly brainteaser than a joke, but excellent for text:

- C M puppies?
- M R not puppies!
- S M R! C M P N?
- L I B! M R puppies!

 
This is great. My husband and I have different work and sleep schedules that lately have become diametrically opposed. I’m definitely keeping this thread as a reference.

I’ll add a joke or two to make this answer more helpful.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

Followup: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

And, my personal favorite:

Why did the frog cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.

To stamp out forest fires.

(pause…follow with:)

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.
___

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where ever you left it.

–
“Put it on my bill”

“The Aristocrats!”

“Why the long face?”

*joke not included

read more at Short Jokes

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from Funny Quotes Wallpapers

Another movie for young kids, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules is a sequel to 2010 movie Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Zachary Gordon reprises his role of Greg Heffley along with Robert Capron, Devon Bostick and Rachel Harris.

9: Gnomeo and Juliet:

Gnomeo and Juliet is an animated comedy film based on William Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. The voice of this film is provided by James McAvoy and Jason Statham. This is perfect kid’s movie and also one the funniest film of 2011.

8. No Strings Attached:

Ashton Kutcher paired with Natalie Portman in this romantic comedy film in which they both made agreement of having a casual sex without falling in love.

7. Your Highness:

Your Highness is fantasy comedy movie starring Academy Award winner Natalie Portman, Academy Award Nominee James Franco, Danny McBride and Rasmus Hardiker. The revolves around the two brother Thadeous( McBride) and Fabious(Franco) who are very lazy warriors.

6. The Dilemma:

The Dilemma is also one of the must watch funny movie of 2011 starring Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Conelly, Queen Latifah and Channing Tatum.

5. Hall Pass:

Owen Wilson teams up Jason Sudeikis in Hall Pass and are given week off from their marriage by their wives to do what ever they want in one week. Hall Pass is very good comedy movie for the adult audience and one the funniest in 2011.

4. Just Go With It:

Once again Adam Sandler delivered the comedy film that will make u laugh continuously for 2 hours. This film also stars Jennifer Aniston and Brooklyn Decker and it is a must watch comedy film of 2011.

3. The Hangover 2:

Well they are back. After shaking Las Vegas upside down, they are kicking it at Bangkok for Stu’s wedding. This crazy and funny ride features all the actors from 1^st part with Jamie Chung being the new entry.

2. Rio:

Another computer animated movie which is also one of the funniest movies of 2011. The movie follows a adventure of two last remaining species of macaw Blu voiced by Jesse Eisenberg and Jewel voiced by Anne Hathaway. It is a comedy film if you want to watch with the family.

1. Rango:

A computer animated film tells the story of a pet chameleon named Rango voiced by Johnny Depp who accidentally ends up in a Mojave Desert. This movie is full of fun and comic sequence that will make you engage for atleast 2 hours.

“Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!”
“Earth is full. Go home.”
“Nice perfume, but did you have to marinate in it?”
“And which dwarf are you?”
He: “Let’s go back to my place!”
She: “I don’t think we’ll both fit under that rock!”
“Sorry, but after meeting you I’m thinking of becoming a lesbian.”
“So you’re the missing link” (between man and monkey).
(At the top of her voice in a crowded bar): “No I will not f*ck you for £100!”
“Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?”
“Do they ever shut up on your planet?”
“If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…”
“OK MISTER, how many times do I have to flush before you go away?”

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes.

-When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

-Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.

I exist as I am, that is enough.
~Author : Walt Whitman Song of Myself FUNNY Quotes

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
~Author : Friedrich Nietzsche cute funny sayings Quotes

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
~Author : William Shakespeare Hamlet Act 2 scene 2 Great Sayings

Criminal A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
~Author : Howard Scott Meaningful Sayings

Exercise alone provides psychological and physical benefits. However, if you also adopt a strategy that engages your mind while you exercise, you can get a whole host of psychological benefits fairly quickly.
~Author : James Rippe MD Wise Quotes from Short Jokes
Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.
~Author : Anne Morrow Lindbergh Motivational Sayings

That’s the secret of entertaining. You make your guests feel welcome and at home. If you do that honestly, the rest takes care of itself.
~Author : Barbara Hall Famous Quotes

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
~Author : Mark Twain Inspirational Sayings

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

by

Short Jokes

Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
=======

Here is yer Poem:

There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he’d pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
========
Jack and jill went up the hill,
to smoke some marajuana,
jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked jill if she wanna.
jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun,
but stupid jill,
forgot the pill,
and now they have a son
=======
roses are red
violets are corney
when i think of you
oh baby i ged horney
eat me
beat me
bite me
blow me
suck me
fuck me
very slowly
if you kiss me dont be sassy
you your tongue and make is nasty