Funny Short Jokes September 11, 2008
Posted by amty in Jokes.Tags: Funny, Funny Short Jokes, Jokes, Short, Short Jokes
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
(Jon)
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
What problem? (Scott)
What is defference between man and Superman?
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth) Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. (Kyle Burglie)
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead Bonehead)
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework. (Scott)
What is green and smells?
(Azbar Kahleed)
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We’re in her right now.
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, “What a treasure!” and your father said, “Yea lets go bury it”. (M. P. Monaghan)
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M. P. Monaghan)
Jay Leno
Nuclear fission.
Source: Funny Short Jokes
Silly Quotes November 9, 2007
Posted by amty in Jokes, Silly Quotes.Tags: Quotes, Silly, Silly Quotes
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“Treat me like an angel and I’ll be your lil’ devil.” Crazy is a relative term in my family! Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. “Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” “Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.” Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
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Boys make good pets!
Princess in training!
At least I can still smoke in my car
Caution, Blind Man Driving.
“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.”
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
“To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail.”-Michael Jordan
“No BLOOD no foul.”
“Life’s an Ocean, Sail It”
“We are going to rip off your testicles…….and slash your tires.” – Nip
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The problem with the Gene pool is there arn’t any lifeguards (hillbillies)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~
Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
“Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.”
“don’t drink and drive you might spill your beer”
If you can’t fix it with duck tape you have’nt used enough
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they’ll all think your on drugs.
I’ll be sober tomorrow but you’ll be ugly for the rest of your life.
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And where there’s a way, then there’s usually a stop sign somewhere along the road.”
I’m scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love…..it never seems to last
Silence is silver, but music is gold…
Lifes Tough, get a helmet!
loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!
“I didn’t lose my mind, I sold it on ebay.”
Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full – Go Home.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool – Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A BLONDE.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
“POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON”
“i’m not tailgating, i’m keeping up with the pace car”
Roadhead cures Roadrage…
Tell your girlfriend I said thanks
” WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. “
normal people worry me
you say physco like it’s a bad thing
those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do
This delinquent is having sex with your honor student.
Save the environment…plant a Bush back in Texas.
“Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don’t let anyone take it away from you ever.” ~ Holly Marie Combs
don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught
None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all
“my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me.”
“it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game ” – penny anae
everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE
Anger is one letter short of danger.
One death is one too many.
Life’s not all bad. Look into somebody’s eyes, you’ll see that they’re a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.
If you love somebody, they shouldn’t make you cry, they should be worth crying over.
Lots of things change…lots of them don’t…but the fact that I love you…that will always stay the same.
“I’m going to live life or die trying”
im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice
“We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams.”
“We didn’t lose…..we just ran out of time”~unknown
“Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.”
“You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial.”–Homer J. Simpson
If you die, I’ll kill you!”
There are some days when I just don’t feel like talking.. Today is that day.
Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.
The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
“Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!” MOM
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don’t want them to be
“Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why’d you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT’S BIRDIE CRAP!”
“Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.”.
They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.
“When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!”.
Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.
Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
” Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information”.
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. – Homer J. Simpson.
“Is tuna really Chicken?” – Jessica Simpson, after reading “Tuna, Chicken of the sea”
“I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down.” –Anonymous
“Dying is just natures way of saying ‘Hey! Your not alive anymore!’”
Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.
“Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.”
“When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don’t no how to spell anonymous” -unknown
“I’ll kill you until you die!!”
“They misunderestimated me!” -George W. Bush”
“I’m not scared of dying, I just don’t want to!”
“Dilbert’s Words of Wisdom: You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”
“I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose”
“The whole world is going to hell and I’m driving the bus”
“I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose”
“Don’t criticize my mess unless you’d like to become part of it.”
“I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states”
“A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation”
“It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility”!
I’m an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
“There’s nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it.”
If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Thank-you for visiting reality, come again……….. Now entering your life, welcome
The entire world’s a stage; I didn’t get cast!
Consciousness- that annoying time between naps
Suburbia – where they cut down trees and name streets after them
“Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass”
I love him, O yes I do,
He’s for me, not for you,
And if by chance you take my place,
I’ll take my fist and smash your face!
“God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!”
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons!
For you are crunchy
And taste good with ketchup
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
“Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died”
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
“Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died”
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
Dain bramaged
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Jokes Collecion 3 September 21, 2006
Posted by Super Admin in Jokes.add a comment
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter… he won’t come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t
looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn’t there the first
time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to
stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d
want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night
long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always
wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or
the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are
handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They’re fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps
you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the
front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we would all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel
Don’t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation
Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back
for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…
But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the
last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state
production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow
production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800′ number to order
an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama’s so stupid she can’t pass a blood test.
Yo mama’s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to
make up her mind.
Yo mama’s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama’s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star
Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence
cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus’ beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Jokes Collecion 2 September 21, 2006
Posted by Super Admin in Jokes.add a comment
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
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What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she’s pregnant.
Is it mine?
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
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Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
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What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Jokes Collecion 1 September 21, 2006
Posted by Super Admin in Jokes.add a comment
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
(Jon)
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem? (Scott)
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. (Tejas
Chachcha)
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth)
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement
window. (Kyle Burglie)
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead
Bonehead)
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework. (Scott)
What is green and smells?
Hulk’s fart.
(Azbar Kahleed)
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper. (Briana)
You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We’re in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY." (M.P. Monaghan)
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and
your father said, "Yea lets go bury it". (M. P. Monaghan)
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M.
P. Monaghan)
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear…
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama’s so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama’s so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time
zones.
Yo mama’s so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama’s so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn’t get a menu, she gets
an estimate.
Yo mama’s so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already
caused it to happen.
Have you ever noticed… anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone
going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have
experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat
it with naked fat peple.
Ed Bluestone
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I’d like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
